I sat there waiting for your call, contemplating our last conversations and recounting the messages that came through my mind. You were cracked. I heard your hysteria. I was a blur and you were crumpling. I wondered if there were any other tones to your voice that I had to be intent on re-listening, or what I had to reread between the lines through your letters that I had possibly misrepresented, mistook, or missed. My Eiffel was shaken and trembling and I was about to fall. My honest heart was crippling. I crumbled thereafter in hearing each strand of my heart strings snap with each twinge of your voice, severing the ties of what I thought was a great symphony.
It ended with a great, big, bang.
My knees buckled beneath me when I crouched on the floor in a solemn prayer with an overflow of tears running down my cheeks. I searched my mind, memories, and voices to find what I could in whatever effort I searched for to make up for any mistakes. I remember pacing back and forth before I heard you, praying to God in hopes that my soul wouldn't get stolen before I got the chance to redeem myself with a sin that I couldn't have known to have committed.
I got no mercy and felt a shot through the heart, with nowhere near a clue as to where it was coming from. I struggled as I fell asleep with the unconsciousness.
After the light ended and a new sun arose, a new day began. I felt comatose. I don't know when my heart turned it's face, although I do remember the cold and burning froth it left that replaced it's landmark, like here on Earth. My breath passed through my lungs in a winter chill. My hands turned to be tiny Midas icicles. Anything that I seemed to touch I could match their eyes with frozen stiffness and as much astonishment on their faces than on mine.
You become more genuine in the appreciation of your own life when you have felt something deep down die right inside of your own chest. You could also be the one to turn solidly defiant in building your own coffin around your heart, burying it deep within you so that you can't be touched. Either way, a treasure lies there.
I knew myself in relation to the fair Snow White, after you. A picture of the same innocence, naivety, gentleness, and genuinely not looking for what I had lost or misplaced or let go of, endearing the lack of beauty that was a concept by me as opposed from what I could say I believed by your opposite belief in who you said looked like an angel. Disregard - I tried to become more genuine and kept maintained to try to involve myself with the care for some other that I had hoped to not be desperate for. I found that I had wholeheartedly loved.
I closed my eyes and peeked on rare occasion. I stayed as a wallflower and played possum. I let go of the language that I sought to hear and ignored all other initiations because of my mind that stayed backlogged as my heart began crying out to move on. I ran in a new direction when I thought I was hearing with my own ears for a real chance to make another turn with someone else. I clenched my stubbornness and will about the idea of my being in a relay race. Still, to this day, I don't know how this might end. I expect to trip and fall. I wonder when it will all come tumbling down and how I'll hold up, once more. I only question, when will it happen and how will I be able to catch myself? I might get tripped up in this new runner's high I'm finding myself in. By chance, I should start to get equipped. My hand might be let go of and I'll fall to the wayside, again - it's what I thought I heard in a mention a length's back in time. That was a moment where I felt faint.
I look in the mirror now to rationally think. I'm a very different type of girl in the fact that the world disregards me as it's own typical stereotype. I see Me more clearly. I wonder if I have forgotten the face of my Father or that of my Mother. I wonder what my true face is. Who am I when I'm alone? I'm faithful. I'm confident. I'm contented. I'm satisfied. I know I'm safe with me. I am quiet. I'm open. I'm honest. I'm amused. I'm relaxed. My thoughts slow their intelligent comprehensive meanings. I'm genuine. I'm happy. I'm whole. I see no blemish, even if you do. I love even more, and my heart goes on, and on, and on...
As I get tired and sleepy, I curl up in my nest to dream until the next morning. I continue to wonder throughout the night as my prayers progress to God for the one that I have already met, or not have met yet, to where I'm being led towards - and I wonder what my real complexion might be if I try to ignore it in front of you all?
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